Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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