Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
