Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I need moral support for this bender
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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