did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's rum buckets o'clock
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
