I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
