Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
