Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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