You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
