I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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