I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
