So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The uberlube is also flammable
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
