i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
