just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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