I wish I only lived at night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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