Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
