I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
