Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
