I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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