I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
