Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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