my phone needs a breathalizer
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Randomize
