my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
