apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
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he has the hands of the vagina gods.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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