and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
