I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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