Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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