Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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