she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
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It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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