I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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