im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
