The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
