Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
