I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
