The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
