i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
