that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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