I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
