i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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