Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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