Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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