He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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