sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm both gender and math confused
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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