Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
