I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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