k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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