He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
