The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
