I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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