I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
