no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
