dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
