I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
