Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
