btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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